The Weighty Considerations of Weight and Self-Esteem

In high school, I weighted 100 lbs (average.) And everyday, I felt bad about myself. My self-esteem was at it's lowest point, particularly in my junior and senior years (and well into college.) I looked in the mirror and saw, maybe not a fat cow, but not an under-weight, skinny Minnie. I felt average, boring, at times ugly. I struggled with deep depression, violent mood swings, and what I now understand to be anxiety disorder. I don't remember ever trying to not eat or make myself skinnier but I do recall an unhealthy diet for most young adult life. Oddly, I can't think of one fond memory from those days when I thought of myself as truly pretty. Of course, I was on a fast train to self-destruction at that point in my life.

This morning, on Monday March 7, 2001, I weighted 144 lbs. And I feel more beautiful and happy and confident now then I ever did back then. Yes, some days I feel a kinda bloated or maybe a little too curvaceous but I still feel more attractive now than when I weighted the same as your average 7th grader. Crazy, huh?!

I Hate Rejection..

So as most of you know, since moving out here to the lovely city of Seattle, I have been looking for a job. The problem (is it really a problem?!) is that I want something part-time and apparently I am either overqualified or overqualified or there are too many applicants or etc., etc., etc. Well, I just got my latest rejection letter via email but the thing that makes it so heartbreaking is that I really wanted this job. I know I would have been so good at it! I feel like could actually cry right now...and I am NOT a crier (unless it's a sappy movie like Steel Magnolias or something.) I think I am just going to crawl back into my bed and be depressed....

Or inevitably I shall preserver and continue my quest to find a job. Maybe it shall take a week, or a month, or even a year, but I shall keep on trying. I shall troll craiglist and idealist.org and many other job sites, sending my resume in and being rejected, I'm sure, many more times because frankly, I have bills to pay.

Musings on an Empty House and Unemployment

This morning I woke up at 9; I stayed in bed, pretending to sleep until almost 10:30. Pretending to whom, you might ask? No one. I was just thinking that I have ALL day to do, like, 3 things that I really NEED to do and then I just have to try to figure out other things to fill up my day.

I am obviously bored and lonely. Since my recent guests left, I have come to realize just how much. Does someone want to come live with me?! I will feed you and clean up after you and all you have to do is amuse me all day. Brandon's no good because he's either at work or in his little hidey-hole downstairs. Hell, the other day I even started thinking "I wish I had a kid or something." YIKES! (No worries though; I am over that bout of craziness.)

So I clean everyday. I do laundry every day. I cook. I bake. I make Amazon wishlists. I read. I write. I walk the dog. I groom the dog. I organize my cabinets. I check my email obsessively. And since I got a new vacuum (thanks, Mom) I vacuum. I vacuum floors, rugs, nooks, crannies...even the cat...which he does not seem to like.

Well, let keep our fingers crossed that I get a job soon or I may just vacuum myself to death.

Wow, I feel old...

So I just sent my first nasty email to someone about those damned reckless teenagers. I was walking Ollie down a nearby street with no sidewalk and long story short, we almost got taken out by not one but TWO cars full of teens racing down the middle this street (which is a residential road btw.) I was really seeing red! We live right next to the high school and, up until today, I was simply annoyed by the kids, mostly when they get out of school around 2 or 3pm. But I usually try to stay inside then and I miss their loud, obnoxious behavior.

But this was even before NOON! So I called the office...yes, just like an old foogie. And I don't care! If something had happened to me or my dog, I would have kicked those little punks asses! Truly though, what if they killed someone. I am sure that I was probably worse than they were when I was a bratty little teen but still...

Anyway, I called and the girl at the front desk kinda sighed like she had heard my story before and said she would transfer me to the principal's voicemail. Well, that being full, I wrote him a long, detailed, properly-worded email and nicely said I would call the police if I saw it again.

So, I am becoming one of THOSE people....grumpy and annoyed.

I Hate Litterbugs...

I've said it before and I'll say it a thousand times more, I hate when people litter. How can a person of sound mind and conscious deliberately throw anything on the ground?! I do not understand. Do you have no feelings, no morals?? Do you also kick puppies at the pound?!? Or are you simply ignorant? Because that makes you an idiot. Even little children know better than to litter.

I am ranting about this topic once again because I live in a beautiful city, Seattle, where I believed that people took pride in the fact that they try to keep it green and clean. Alas, like all urban centers of the world, trash on the ground can not be escaped. Since I don't own a car, I often have to walk everywhere. There is a great shopping center nearby, and I like to walk the "back way" to get there; unfortunately, so do all the litter-monsters of West Seattle! Today I spotted the ubiquitous soda/beer cans, paper cups, and plastic shopping bags. And yet I saw a couple more things that made me really fume; a pair of men's black underpants hanging from a bush and a plate, A PLATE, full of uneaten tamales!! What the HELL, people?!

There are trash bins and recycle cans all around you, so use them, litterbugs! And next time I walk through Trash City, I am taking a garbage bag and some rubber gloves and cleaning that crap up!

P.S.- In a semi-related topic, I think Seattle has the largest squirrels I have ever seen in my life.

The Simple Things...

I believe that true happiness is often found in the simplest of moments. That is the time when you realize if you are truly a joyful person. Stopping to smell the flowers, as cliché as that may seem, to reflect on how great and wonderful life can be. A monumental moment of watching a bird flit around two feet away from you, as it gathers twigs for a nest. Watching your dog bound around in mud puddles, sheer bliss on his little puppy face, and then joining it with a laugh all for yourself. That is the best of times; pure happy.

Those People...

I admit it. I am NOT one of those people. You know the ones I am talking about. We all have them in our lives. They are the people who you love but you secretly think are more annoying than cats in sweaters and two-year olds at the movies. Every time you look at their Facebook page, they have a gallon of new photos to share of their lastest “AMAZING Weekend Vacay” to some crazy-ass place like a remote hiking trail in the middle of bum-F*#% nowhere that their “super awesome” pal Skinny G from Amsterdam that they met last summer while back-packing in Europe told them about or a secret treasure island near Hawaii where they went parasailing and shark-diving while also helping orphan children learn how to tie their shoes or something like that. I really f-ing hate that.

Look, I love these people too, and I am grateful to have them in my life (usually,) but I am sick of them flaunting their whirlwind, boho, too-cool-for-school life-style in my face every time I talk to you on the phone or you proudly send out a mass email with pics and detailed iterteiry attached of your lasest big adventure. Are you trying to make the rest of us normal humans feel inadequate for not having gone on a unicycle tour of the Andes?!

Yes, we all get it; you’re fun, you’re adventuresome, you’re hipper than Hipsters in your skinny grey man jeggings and thoughtfully-made Toms.

And we all try to pretend like we want to be those people too, with all their silly photo-ops and inside jokes and MILLIONS of friends on every state, country, and land imaginable. We oh and ah and let them ramble on every chance they get.

But I am stating it clear as day; I REFUSE to want to be that person and I am done pretending (/actually) envying you and your ways. I LIKE being at home, I love being quiet and reading a good book at night till I fall asleep, I don’t want to have to try SOOO hard to be cool and fun and hip. I am almost 30, DAMNIT, and I LIKE being boring! I may not spend my vacations in Bora Bora building new mud huts for natives but hey, every time I go to Petsmart, I donate $1 to help animals, and that makes me proud, too!